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Go Changin'
September 14, 2006 04:41
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Tags: mike marriage
You know how people always tell you that you have to accept people for what they are? That you can’t change them? Well, that’s crap. People do change, and that change is influenced by the people around them. Think about it – weren’t you changed by some of the relationships you’ve held? I know I have. And I know I’ve influenced people in my life, too.

An example: when I met him online, Mike was a confirmed non-breeder. The man was simply NOT going to have children. Period. Now we have four. Now he is a father, and really good at it.

Some changes are big, and some are small. Some people are more “moldable” than others. But people absolutely do influence each other. That isn’t to say I think girls should go into a relationship with some big asshole and expect to turn him into a prince. But can you encourage him to put the toilet seat down or enjoy the rodeo? Sure. Maybe.

I have been changed dramatically by almost every serious relationship I’ve ever had with a man (or boy-man). Perhaps too much. I once had a boyfriend, Kyle, who left me a birthday card on my front door months after we broke up, that told me he had broken up with me because I was too much of a chameleon – I acted like whoever I was with. That note stuck with me, and for the second half of my life, I’ve been trying to figure out if my tendency to be a chameleon is a good thing or a bad thing. Am I striking the right balance between putting others at ease, and remaining true to myself?

My first husband – to whom I was married (Islamically, then legally) for five and a half years – was a devout Arab Muslim. He was a student during the entire course of our marriage. Being his wife changed me, making me:

* … more pious
* … more secretive
* … more modest, outwardly
* … more ashamed
* … a better housekeeper
* … less assertive
* … Muslim (he didn’t make me convert, but he sure made conversion seem like the best and easiest option)
* … snobbier
* … more distant from my family
* … more insecure

I was already beginning to “shed my skin,” so to speak, when I met Mike. I was still married, but was trying to find my way out. Friendship with Mike (and that’s all it was, at the time) gave me courage to finally leave, and sustained me in those first few awful, hard weeks. Of course, eventually, it became more.

Being Mike’s wife has changed me, too. It’s made me:

* … more assertive
* … more withdrawn
* … more knowledgeable (in almost every area)
* … a mother!
* … more cynical
* … more realistic/pessimistic (take your pick)
* … more daring
* … needier
* … care more about my health
* … more inclined to try new foods
* … feel empowered to try so many new things
* … value my sexual side
* … realize I’m not the smartest person I know
* … more emotionally open (your call if that’s good or bad)

I still have a long way to go to figure out who I am at the core, without a man’s influence. Maybe that’s what my 30’s are for?
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