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Marriage Joke
September 29, 2006 04:30
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Tags: jokes

I got this tonight from my niece. I got quite a chuckle out of it.

~

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don’t expect any hassle from you I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?”

His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night… whether you’re here or not.”
Marines in France
November 10, 2005 17:04
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Tags: politics jokes military

It is SO VERY TEMPTING to steal this wholesale, but I won’t.

President Bush has authorized the Joint Chiefs to begin drawing up a battle plan to pull France’s chestnuts out of the fire again. Facing an apparent overwhelming force of up to 400 angry teenagers, Mr. Bush apparently doubts France’s ability to hold off them off. “If the last two world wars are any indication, I would expect France to surrender to the little pissants any day now,” said Bush.


That’s not the best part, so go read the whole thing.
Mrs. Hyde
October 30, 2005 22:18
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Tags: jokes


Fat Ass
September 07, 2005 20:40
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Tags: jokes

I normally don’t go in for this kind of thing, but this one genuinely made me laugh out loud. Just bear in mind – no offense is intended. :)

WOMEN’S ASS SIZE STUDY

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses!

I thought the results were pretty interesting:
85% of women think their ass is too fat…
10% of women think their ass is too skinny…

The other 5% say that they don’t care, they love him, he’s a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

When I Grow Up
April 20, 2005 14:25
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Tags: jokes

Harvey nailed me*! And it was goooooooood.
~
Immediately following there is a list of 20 different occupations. You must select at least 5 of them (feel free to select more). You may add more if you like to your list before you pass it on (after you select 5 of the items as it was passed to you). Each one begins with “If I could be…” Of the 5 you selected, you are to finish each phrase with what you would do as a member of that profession.

For example, if the selected occupation was “linguist,” you might take the phrase “If I could be a linguist…I would learn Hebrew, Greek, Russian, Italian and Chinese.” See how easy that is? Here’s the list:

If I could be a scientist…
If I could be a farmer…
If I could be a musician…
If I could be a doctor…
If I could be a painter…
If I could be a gardener…
If I could be a missionary…
If I could be a c...
Read the whole post...
Unitarian Jihad
April 09, 2005 14:34
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Tags: jokes politics media

It was only a matter of time before the next terrorist attack in the US. Everybody knew that, and now it looks like it’s closer than we thought.

Beware! Unless you people shut up and begin acting like grown-ups with brains enough to understand the difference between political belief and personal faith, the Unitarian Jihad will begin a series of terrorist-like actions. We will take over television studios, kidnap so-called commentators and broadcast calm, well-reasoned discussions of the issues of the day. We will not try for “balance” by hiring fruitcakes; we will try for balance by hiring non-ideologues who have carefully thought through the issues.

Living Will
April 04, 2005 13:57
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Tags: jokes

Best. Living. Will. Ever.

In the event that my termination becomes necessary/desirable/so intoxicatingly attractive that she can think about little else, my wife is authorized to employ any means of disposal that does not cause me pain for a period of longer than 0.00000000000000000001 seconds.

How many shoes is too many?
March 28, 2005 15:43
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Tags: quotes jokes

I was just chatting with Mike about my in-laws’ upcoming 50th anniversary party, and the clothing and shoes I’d need for it.

Dana: SexyHusband just told me he can’t believe I need more shoes.
Mike: Well, they do have to match the dress. Besides, I have a formula… a woman needs her age squared in shoes…
Dana: Her age squared?? So 900 shoes for me?
Mike: Yeah.
Dana: And Kayla gets 4 shoes?
Mike: Yup. See, it’s math.
Dana: OK, so she has 28 years to buy 896 shoes. That’s…32 shoes a year. 16 pair. Or about one every 3.25 weeks. That’s do-able.
Mike: Yeah. That’s why I’m against polygamy…. no single house can contain that many shoes.
Iron Chef Crossovers
January 10, 2005 19:48
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Tags: jokes food tv

I expect only maybe two of my readers watch enough Iron Chef to find these funny, but as an avid Iron Chef fan myself, I couldn’t NOT blog them.

5. Iron Chef/Jacques Cousteau crossover. Chef: Michiba. Theme ingredient: Giant squid. Gimmick: The theme ingredient strangles Kaga as he unveils it. Outcome: After Kaga is rescued, he mentions suavely that Michiba’s “odori squid sushi” gave him intense personal satisfaction and he is pleased to announce the tetsujin’s victory.

[…]

3. Iron Chef/Geraldo crossover. Chef: Sakai. Theme ingredient: Methamphetamines. Challenging chef: A KKK member. Gimmick: Major fistfights break out in the Kitchen Stadium as the Klansman rudely insults Sakai’s ancestry and is carved into sushi by the agile chef’s filleting knife. Outcome: Lawsuits.

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